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Pavel Nìmec     Merry stories   1998

english version, translated by Pavla Štefková   2003

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red fly agaric

1.  I always come late, everywhere
  I belong to those who desided to get rich on a praising régimes. I describe heroic acts of rulers, kings, their glory, fame, I praise their bravery and resolution. I am not alone who does it but there is a hitch. I always come late. My being late makes me problems. Not only I do not get the promised big reward but I always get in trouble. There they imprison mi, here they execute me or they fired me. Just consider by yourself.
  I stood as Fate at a cradle of the first man and I promised a glory to that little child. The other Fate said: “You will suffer from that glory.” The third Fate corrected it: “At the end you will get the reason and you will not care a bit for a glory.” Being Fate ended, the little child got grown and he set on to the world. I said to myself: “ You must show the human glory for people to see that the glory is a good thing and that it was good that you wished it to the little child.”
  Since that time I walk on the world and I speak about the human glory. The trouble is I always come late. Altantida – the pride of a man. Beautiful city, mature civilization. I wrote with a chisel to the stone about its beauty, golden, bronze and silver walls. Beautiful ships, the control of the whole world. The stone was probably too hard. When I brought it to Atlantida I looked forward to a rich reward, but all I saw was a blood, plenty of drowned man´s bodies and mud everywhere. Those who survived cried at me: “What? Altalntida? Those slavers of the world? Shush!” and suddenly I swam in a mud among the drowned bodies.
  I found a lot of similar to Altantida in Egypt. Gold, prospering land, big pyramids, big possibilities. That was something for me. I am breaking the stone, sharpening the chisel. Before I celebrated the Egypt, the Hyksósons and Hebrew people are there. They reacted very funny at my relievo. There flew blood again. My blood!
  It does not matter. I found another land. Babylon. Baal and Marduk were good. It was sure now. Babylon has got high walls, it will be an eternal city. I endlessly glorified Baal and Marfuk. I probably should have ended earlier. Before I could finish the glory on the earthen desk, Bybylon was upset by Syrics and I was crucified.
  I should rather be retired. Before my new desk was dryed the empire had been again in other hands. Damned work. Why did I let myself to be messed by so solid walls. There was nothing but to stay retired and to wait. A lot of wars and changes came. I did not want to risk. I admired Noah. Noah, he is an excellent fellow. Fair man, the fairest man of all. I wrote into the stone the witness of his fairness. I glorified Noah to the haven. When I brought it to him and I wanted the reward, all I saw was Noah who was resting drunk and naked. When his sons had seen me, they drowned me. There still was a lot of water and nobody counted the drowned bodies.
  Then I was lucky. In Palestine there was the Lord who ruled steady and unshakably. The clear goverment of a steady God. I glorified the Lord. But o-oh. Palestine was occupied by Muslims and they stab me through by a pike. I was well-advised now and I waited. Will Muslims have steady success? Of course. I was sure they will and I already saw myself as a richman. Immediatly I started to write the festive songs for Mohammed and his songs. What can I say?
  As soon as I was ready, the crusaders cut my head with a sword. Then it was clear again but was it good for me? I moved to Hispania. There will be a calmer atmosphere. It was not. As soon as I had finished the glory of Muslims, they were forced out by the Spanish and my head was cut again.
  It is embarrassing I should be silent but in Rome I ended the same way. The first they through me to lions as Christian and then again as Non-Christian. What a funny world! Well, I desided to get rich on a praising the human glory so why to give it up?! I just have to come on time.
  I hurrried up but unfortunately the time had hurried up too. It had no sense to write on papyrus and parchment. Although it was quicker than writing into the stone, the time was quicker. Here they stoned me to death, there they cut my head.
  I took advantage of it. I wrote two variants of glories. The first one was the glory of God and his love to men and the second one was the glory of man and his love to God. I just had to find out if there is a reformation or an antireformation.
  Lots of people do the same. Suddenly the world is full of adulators and much better than I am. They know who is to glory and when to finish their glory. Only I am the one who comes late everywhere. But now it must be it. It is 1986, Gorbatchov rules, communists learned from their mistakes, they iniciated Glasnost, they reform economics. Finaly the steady system. I will describe everything in details and I will issue my thoughts the latest in 1990. And then I will be rich…
  2. St. Hermelina
  I was hungry so I went for some cheese. I met a holy family, st. Hermelina and st. Leonid. St. Hemelina entrusted me that she is a virtuous virgin now. When I hear the word "virtuous" I always imagine a sick, bloodless and dulky woman, that is why I asked her: "How can you be a virgin if you had given birth four times?" "I went to a high reputed doctor for an operation and he had sewn a part of a pleura there. It cost 15 thousand. Now I am so virtuous that I do not even touch that sinful place with my hand." "And how do you wash yourself?" I was interested. "It is a big secret which can be said only to a person who drinks mineral water from the holy cup." She said to me secretly. "She goes to a chaplain," said Leonid, "he always drinks mineral water." "This is my way to a sacrament," said st. Hemelina wistfully.
    "You must say: into a sacrament not to a sacrament," I showed my holy teologic knowledgers. "I appoint you our top linguist of our Church of the st. Jesus blink." I was happy, I always wanted to be someone great. I spent the whole day as in a dream.
    One week later I went for breadrolla and I met st. Hermelina alone. "Where is st. Leonid?" I asked. "There arised a teologic dispute between us." "What kind of dispute?" I pumped. "We did not agree on the day when Jesus blinked. If it was Tueday or Wednesday." "Does it matter?" "It does, it would decide about the chairman of the church. If Jesus had holy blinked on Wednesday, it would have meant that Leonid would have taken duties from believers. And it would have been a disaster. He would have drunk everything. Since Jesus blinked on Tuesday, the duties will be taken by myself and I will send them to orphan children." I was suprised that she had orphan children. "My aunts, st. Jenofefa, st. Zubajda, st. Izidora and st. Shkatulajda have an orphanage." "They take care about orphan children? It is nice." "Oh no, they just control the orphanage, it is their property." "So send the money direct to those children," I adviced. "Are you crazy? What would my aunts live on?" That is right. I had to concede that Jesus had holy blinked on Tueday. "I declare you the high priest of our Church of the holy st. Jesus blink on Tuesday." "But today is Thurday," I corrected her. "Oh no, the Tuesday is now a part of the title of our Church." I rejoiced. I always wished to be the high priest. "And what is my task?" "You will go among people and you will proclaim that Jesus had holy blinked on Tuuesday."
    "And take nothing on but one clothes and staff for your journey in order to look like st. chosen." "And I will be redeemed?" I asked for sure. "You will be redeemed," uttered st. Hermelina and she gave a big cross upon me.
  3. Josef ´s sacrifice
A farmer took his son from a bed on a stove: "Josef, get up. Servants murmur that you only lie in a bed and that you do not do anything. Show them how you can work and do not be lazy!" Sulky Josef asked: "Father, take off that sacrifice but if it is your will, I will do it." "It is my will," asured him his father: "Go to our field, you will work hard there for one hour."
    Josef went to their field and he worked there very very hard. When he was very weary, angels came to help him. Then he noticed that farm-boys and farm-girls were watching him from the outside of the field. He worked much more harder. When he fell down exhausted in an hour and he fell asleep, nobody stood at the field. In the evening he woke up and he went home. On the courtyard he saw the manager who whiped farm-people: "You saw the son of our farmer as he worked. You will work the same way whole your life and also your children!" Josef entered to a house where he got a potato soup and a roasted goose. After he had eaten, he went to a bed again.
  4. Progressive story
    People found out that a red fly agaric is a very tasty mushroom. Doctors were very unhappy because there were a lot of people brought to them with a poisoning. But then mycologists found out the anti-matter in form of a small tablet. People ate a fly afaric then they took a tablet and they were O. K.
    After some time people found out that the tablet had a side-effect, people lost their hair. Some cosmetic firm solved the problem with a special water against hair-loosing. People ate a fly agaric, took a tablet, smeared their head with the special water and they were O. K.
    Then the other problem appeared, the special water contained very effective extract of atropine and a plant called "crow eye" which had to be grown somewhere. Producers decided to cut woods and to get fields for growing the plants. But it led to a deep social crisis, because those who ate red fly agarics did not want woods to be cut because of a red fly agaric which grew there.
    That is why a big conference was called which had to deal the problem. The invitation was accepted by mycologists, dendrologists, historics, doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, poets, police-men, statesmen, politologists, biologists, exorcisers of snakes and clerics. All those people should solve the crisis. The first reports were about the history of growing of the plants in our country and it appeared that there were no experiences in growning except for some monks who used the plants for specific purposes.
    Some biologist defended a require of growning by naming 421 different chemical matters which are contained in the plants. Politologists notised the relationship between a lack of atropine on markets and result of elections. There was opened a very vived and fruitful change of oppinions among scientists till the vox populi sounded. It was a ferreter and chronic complainer, everybody knew him very well as a man who never keeps quiet and he always must bring the mess. He said: "Why do we eat that red fly agaric then? There is a lot of tasty and not poisonous mushrooms!" Citizens were very angry because of that provocation, he gets his just desert and he was showen out of the hall by organizers. The risen noise woke up the local dunce who was known as a man who has not all his wits about him and who does not undestand anything and who wants to give an advice to everyone. He absolutely did not know what was the discussion about and he simply asked: "But a field agaric is much better than a red fly agaric!" Everyone laughed at him that he is such a dunce and the conference could go on.
    I had left earlier because I had prepared a very tasty portion of a red fly agaric at home but it does not matter. Tomorrow I will read in newspapers or I will listen on radio what was the end of the conference and what was the solution of scientists. You have to concede that the development can not be suppressed.
    Since I know people I have to add: a red fly agaric is a poisonous and disgusting mushroom, do not try to eat it. And an extract of atropine and crow eye is not used for a hair growing.
  5. You will become statesman
- Lojza, it is time for you to become statesman.
- But I do not want to, ancle.
- Dear Lojza, do you like the statesmen´s leading? Would you like their abuses to grow over limits? Are not you sorry about our nation and his keeping the wolf from the door? Do you like swindlers who get rich and politics are made by bunglers? You have to enter proudly to the political scene and bring the order and rules there. You have to set right what others had spoiled. Our nation will be thanksful, they will cheer you, you will lead them, you will define fate of your county. Is not it enough?
- You are right, ancle, there should come someone who will put things in order here.
- It is a deal, Lojza, I am happy that you desided so unambignously. Quick and right decisions are expected from you by your nation.
- Wait, ancle, I do not know. Still I do not undestand politics at all!
- It does not realy does not matter, I will lead you. I will be your advicer.
- But ancle, what if people do not listen to me?
- Thy will have to because you will have authority.
- But ancle, what if somebody else better than me comes?
- We will not give him a chance. We will corrupt him, drive him away or discredit him. Besides he will not get to the list of candidates and if yes he will not win the election anyway. There are some well-tried processes to do it, you know?
- And what if people would like something else than I will order them?
- You will ignore people. People should not meddle with politics.
- And ancle, what if I spoil something?
- Then you will issue in newspapers that everything is in order and that your opponents are scamps.
- But they can emit press-correction, do not you think?
- Print-correction are ignored for a long time. Nobody will publish it.
- And what if they present a grievance in an office?
- The office will be in inactivity. It will not solve that grievance.
- But they can lodge a complaint.
- They will have neither money nor a lawyer for it.
- But what if it gets to the law court.
- Then I say to a judge what to do with it.
- Well, as you wish but then there wil be a disturbance.
- So we will send policemen there to renew the order by a legal way.
- And what if, ancle, what if people are stronger than policemen?
- Then policemen will catch some of them and hardly beat them.
- What if people complain, what if newspapers write that policemen were cruel?
- Then policemen will say that it is an oppinion of just one side but they have to listen the other side too.
- Well, I do not know. What if people will still be stronger than policemen?
- Then we will get help by the foreign intervention. Some people will be shot and the order will be renewed. Do not be worry there is a script of the order renewing for every possibilities.
- And what if people laugh at me?
- You idiot, stop talking so silly. You will go as a leader to the elections and your motto will be: "I do not agree with abuses. Good luck for people. I know what I want."
  6. We go to Europe
The whole european association friends of Bohemia and Moravia would love to invite you to the Eurpean Union. At the entry the Czech republic will get a lot of advantages:
    European living standard, the wages at european level, International currency union will provide an advantageous credit and it will help you to pay our state debt, european communities will give investitions and technology for a development of the czech industry, the whole profits from the industy will stay in the Czech republic, we will remove mob with a help of united forces, we will completely stop the business with drugs, we will help with renewing of medicine, poisonous waste will be carry to German where they have better ensured dumps, you will get credit bearing no interest for the development of a highspeeded reailway and the development of european net of highways, you will get electric energy from Austria for free in order not to be depended on Temelin, you will keep whole national product, you will cheaply get oil and other raw material, we will stipulate your military neutrality and national sovereignity and independence, your dept of disidents will be remit, we will open for you our markets for industry goods and agriculture products, you can then shorter working hours and prolong holidays, prolog maternal holidays for two years, we will open every possibilities for your travelling, especially for young people, studensts will get advantageous conditions for foreign special stages, you will get prominent scientific journals for free, your wealth will reach the european level, there will be ensurance of freedom for nation and indiviual, joining to european structure will open conditions for the whole delelopment of the agreculture, fellow-feeling systems will ensure whole living standards also in unexpected events, you will get big expedients for renewing environment, establishments and the economic subjects which are yet under the foreign control will be return to the czech holders, in the woods of Dobøíš we will build a gingerbreaded house with a wind power station where the witch could watch TV, to your ponds we will lend you our water sprites, although they are not so well coloured as yours were but they can better ripple the water and do pike-dive into the water, from Island Your National Museum will obtain the specimen of a solid lava and from Sweden you will get lappon wedding costume …
    My friend looked at my papers over my shoulder. "What kind of nonsence are you writing? What kind of european living stanard, what kind of gingerbreaded house in Dobøíš? Realize that we lost the cold war and we go to Europe as a cheap work labour and new soldiers. They are still stronger than we are or do you want to loose also the hot war?" "And can we do something with it?" I am asking. "Sure! Take your fiddle, contrabass and cymbalo and your friends and go to a pub to sing." So you see it. A man begins to write nonsences and he immediatly gets something to do. I am going to look for my music and to find my friends. We will go to sing together. I love to sing with my friends country songs and also moravian pop and also I love to walk in nature and I love to make love. I must concede that I do not need to be interested in what the Europe has prepared for us.